3-Percent Girl ~ My Life & Thoughts by Lucky Leilani

How’s The Weather?

January 25

I thought my New Year’s Resolution was going great. Just before Christmas, I happened to sit next to a guy at work during a staff meeting. It was an hour-long holiday lunch before the hour-long meeting to follow. I had just come from another 4-hour long staff meeting in another building. It was nice to somewhat relax and enjoy the conversation he had with me. I left 2 hours after I arrived not really thinking anything of it. No pressure. No I-just-wanna-get-into-your-pants vibes from him.

My #1 Rule: Don’t go out with guys I work with.

The next day, I got an email from this guy – at work – sharing a link to the news that New York had banned fracking. I had read about it on Twitter the night before. I replied to thank him and let him know I had already heard the news and shared my thoughts about how stronger, more populated, wealthier states in the U.S. exploit poorer states and how I feel the U.S., as a nation, exploits third-world countries in the same way: for their resources – including their human resources – and to use their land as a dumping ground. I probably exposed more of my inner thoughts than I should have through a work email, but I was impressed that this guy hunted me down among almost 4,000 employees to send me a link he knew I’d appreciate. He made a special effort to locate me and be thoughtful. I started thinking about our hour-long conversation and it occurred to me that this guy had actually TALKED with me for an hour on nothing to do with work. We talked about quantum mechanics and, my favorite, quantum physics. And of course, the environment. He had held my attention for an entire hour and I didn’t even realize it until the next day. And, he was cute – and smart.

The next day, he called my office number. We talked for more than 30 minutes. Our conversation had nothing to do with work. I was thinking I could bend my “no-dating-co-workers-rule” for this guy. He mentioned, after I told him about my Sasquatch-for-a-puppy, that he wanted to get a lab puppy and train it for hunting. I was ready to strike him off my “do-able list” for being a hunter. I cannot be with anyone who hunts for sport. He reassured me that he only goes bird hunting – mostly pheasants. He told me he had just moved to the area and was looking for a place to hunt wild turkeys. I told him where he could find them – since I almost got shot picking huckleberries one year when the picking and the hunting seasons overlapped due to the strange weather. He responded in a please-don’t-go voice when I mentioned I had applied for a job in Oregon. I told him not to worry because I turned it down after finding out there were only 1,300 people in the entire town – “I’d be bored out of my skull” and I knew it. I had mentioned I wanted to see “The Theory of Everything” movie and he said he wanted to see it too. He told me he also wanted to see “Lucy” and thought I’d really like it too. We talked about everything except the weather. It was refreshing. He told me he wanted to pick my brain. By the end of our second conversation, my brain wanted to do more than pick his! I finally told him I had work to do and had to get off the phone. He sent me an IM (Instant Message) while I was away from my desk, asking if I was still there. He knew I put in long hours. By the time I replied, he was gone for the day.

Mom Too – And The Kitchen Sink!

The next day, I sent him a message asking if he’d like to go see “The Theory of Everything” movie that weekend. He responded by saying his mom was in town for the weekend. I told him – half joking, but I was actually serious – that his mom could come too! I really meant it. I don’t have a problem with someone’s mom hanging out. I thought it would be nice to get to know both of them at the same time. I ended up watching the movie with a friend of mine. I was almost glad he didn’t go because I thought the movie would make me cry but I, strangely, didn’t shed a single tear.

Among Friends

I saw two of my other friends that Saturday. I revealed to them that I had made getting a boyfriend in 2015 my New Year’s Resolution. One friend rolled her eyes and the other friend just stared at me with the “Are You Kidding Me?!?!” look. You would have thought I had just declared war on womanhood and somehow betrayed our friendship in the process. One friend is always off and on with her boyfriend, the Katy Perry song “Hot N Cold” makes me think of her. She’s broken up and gotten back together with her current boyfriend three times since Thanksgiving! She’s the female version of that song. Her love life is a regular roller coaster ride. One that drives me crazy and I’m not even in it. The other friend started lecturing me about how she’s perfectly happy and doesn’t need a man. I’m not listening. I’ve been in those shoes before. No, I don’t need a man. I want a man – but not just any man. I want one that makes me smile and makes my heart happy. I want a guy who can carry on a conversation with me that has nothing to do with the weather. I want a guy who makes me feel like my little black dress – the one I did end up buying for Valentine’s Day. He makes me feel sexy and tells me I’m beautiful whenever he gets the chance and I sense he’s sincere. I want a guy who will hunt me down among 4,000 people and I’m the one he chose to talk to. I want a guy who makes me believe I’m the only girl in the world he wants to be with. I want a guy who’s secure enough in himself – and in me – that he would say “Yes” when I ask for his mom to come along to watch a movie with us. I’m not deserting my girl friends. I know better. I’m just ready to have a better love in my life. The kind of relationship only a guy can give me. My friends calmed down and started giving me tips on how to flirt with him. I admitted I suck at flirting. I’ve vowed to slow down this year, long enough to let the fact that a guy is flirting with me sink in before he has a chance to get away or I accidentally walk away without realizing he’s trying to attract my attention.

Ryan was now on my Radar.

Yeah, his name is Ryan. Normally, I wouldn’t disclose it and just tell you that I gave him the nickname of “Chucky”. My friend was horrified when I told her his nickname. She thought it was because of the movie where the doll comes to life and kills people – I told her I’d never seen the movie because I thought it was stupid. And no, his nickname had nothing to do with the movie. I named him that because he’s always posting Chuck Norris jokes on his email profile at work. So, armed with advice from friends about how to flirt with Ryan, I went to work on Monday with the intent to invite him to a murder mystery dinner show I was going to be going to that Friday night – last week. Chucky. Murder. You know it’s going to end badly. Hang in there! But first, before I go on, I need to fill you in on the progress of my New Year’s Resolution…

Tightwad Be Gone!

I’ve put the word out that I’m willing to date again – Send all your single guys my way! I’ve got one who wants to set me up with a fire fighter. One that wants me to go out with her mechanical engineer friend. And I’ve got several guys I work with who have shown interest. One is a guy who told me that he’s been seeing a girl for a year and… “is thinking of asking her out” – My reaction was WTF!!! A WHOLE YEAR AND YOU’RE JUST NOW THINKING ABOUT IT!?!?! You move way too slow for me!!! I would give up on you if you haven’t asked for my phone number after the third week! He’s also a Virgo. I’ve nicknamed him “Ken Doll” because he looks immaculate and tries so hard to be perfect. I know being with him would be like dating myself, another Virgo – we’d obsess over health matters, worry about everything, and analyze down to the smallest detail about what something meant. Basically, we’d drive each other crazy even though we’d know we’ve mastered the art of perfection to a “T”. That’s the problem – we’d be TOO perfect. He’s been having another female co-worker test the waters with me for him. He was growing out a beard and mustache. I went to lunch with the female co-worker and when I told her I wasn’t attracted to guys with facial hair, his facial hair was gone the next day! I knew why. And it made me sad that he’d want to change for me. I know this sounds odd. Most girls would be thrilled a guy would change for them. Normally I would have been but I’m not physically – or mentally – attracted to him. I tried. I did. The chemistry just isn’t there. He expressed interest in going to a murder mystery dinner with me when I told him I’d gotten a ticket and there was an empty seat next to me. I bought my ticket a month ago and asked him if he was serious about going. After a couple of weeks, he came into my office and asked me to show him how to find the theatre’s website and leaned over my shoulder, with his head within an inch of mine, to look at my computer screen. I was sitting in my chair. I didn’t get the “I wanna shag you” feeling I’m looking for in a guy. I got the creepy vibe. I was also frustrated because I’d already emailed him the link – Was he not paying attention?!?! (That’s the thought that crossed my mind.) When I told him the ticket was $33 he asked me how long the show was. I told him it was probably an hour long but it could go longer. He responded in a way that made me feel he was too cheap to spend money on an hour-long dinner show. I knew right then I was going nowhere with this guy. If I’m buying my own ticket and he won’t spend money for his to go to a dinner show in Small Town, Idaho, that’s one of the few places that offers CULTURE in this town (!!!), Forget it! I can’t be with a guy like that. He blew it and I was relieved the next day when I saw the seat next to me was still empty.

There’s a few other guys I work with but they’re a lot younger than me. One is 6-foot, 6 and I could have a lot of fun with him. He’s adorable and I had to tell him that tall is a very good thing when he was being self-conscious about it while talking to me. I love a tall guy. I do. Besides a brain, I think it’s the most attractive feature in a man. I’ve already nicknamed him “hedgehog” because he’s so tall, he had to curl up in a ball to fit in the passenger seat of my car one day. It was adorable! And he makes me smile – and he rides a motorcycle (plus+plus!). I also think he might be nocturnal after I saw his eyes roll up into the back of his head during a staff meeting one day because he was so tired. He’s since explained to me that whenever he sits down his body thinks it’s time to go to sleep. Really?

So, after my encounter with Chucky I was beginning to think I could break my rule of dating guys I work with. On my way to a meeting I had in another building, I was looking down at the sidewalk, watching where I walked because it was still icy and it was snowing. Chucky was walking out the front door with a male co-worker and said “Hi Snow White!” when he saw me – I had snow in my hair, I guess. Then he said to his co-worker “She’s famous”. At first I didn’t recognize who he was because when I saw him last, I wasn’t trying to memorize him – he was my co-worker after all, and that meant he was off-limits. I said to him “I am?” – I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I realized who he was and said “You’ll have to fill me in on that one!” and he said something I couldn’t hear to his co-worker. As I waved good-bye, I kept walking into the building so I wouldn’t be late for my meeting and he kept walking toward the parking lot. When I got back to my office, I decided I’d be brave and send him an email asking if he wanted to go with me to the dinner show. I told him he could go with me if he promised to fight off the paparazzi for me. I had decided I would bend my “don’t dip your pen in company ink” and my “no hunters allowed” rules and make myself available to him. No response.

It had now been a month since I’d seen him the first time. I realized the monthly staff meeting was going to be held again the next day. I had a meeting once again before that meeting – yes, it seems that’s all I do at work is hold meetings – some days it’s like that – anyway, with still no word from him, I arrived just before the meeting started. There was only a couple of empty seats left. I walked passed Chucky to take a seat. As I walked in the room, he said “Hi Leilani” in an excited voice. I said “Hello” back and sat down. During the meeting, I looked at him more closely. He was cute. It wasn’t until almost two-thirds of the way through the meeting that I noticed he was using his right hand to cover up a WEDDING RING on his left hand!!! Oh yes! Ryan was MARRIED! I was so disturbed I could feel the heat rising and turning my ears red! I’d had married guys from work ask me to have an affair with them before. I’ve been able to politely turn them down or deflect their unwanted attention, but this guy gave me no clues! It wasn’t until I saw his ring that I discovered the truth. I hadn’t noticed it before because I hadn’t been interested in him as a co-worker. I didn’t bother to look. And now I was pissed! Fortunately, someone wanted to talk to me after the meeting and he left the room before I had a chance to confront him. It could have been ugly and I was glad to have avoided it. Apparently he forgot to tell me his WIFE was also in town while his mother was visiting!

He made me believe I had fulfilled my New Year’s Resolution before January was even over!

He was a smooth operator. I should have known it wasn’t going to be that easy! So, after I got off work that day I did what every sensible and smart woman would do… I worked off my frustrations at the gym. Of course it didn’t help that the gym was flashing advertisements to a “Hunter’s Fundraising Banquet” and photos of dogs available at the local animal shelter on the tv screens while I was on the treadmill. I just turned up the music on my iPod and kept on going! I had lost my respect for him and reinforced my rule about not hooking up with anyone from work – even though I’d convinced myself that it’d be OK – he was in a completely different building and worked in a totally different department and he wasn’t even a scientist. I had been deceived. I put on a dress, smiled, and went to the murder mystery dinner with a girl friend of mine. And I sent her a text before dinner telling her how beautiful she looked that night ~ signed, Her Invisible Boyfriend – because she’d just broken up with her boyfriend who chooses MaryJanes instead of giving it up for her.

From now on, I’m only going to talk about the weather with him and perhaps ask him if his wife likes rain too. No more unprotected Brainal!

Loaded Gun

January 6

The New Year has already begun and I have a mission to accomplish!

Listening to Kelly Clarkson’s song “Walk Away” in my last post “FUBAR” makes me think of Lisa Kudrow’s character, Denise, in “P.S. I Love You“.

When I first saw Denise, I thought she was cold, calculating, brutal, and yes, vulgar. But I also admired her ability to have a short list of “wants” and attack it like there was really no tomorrow. She knew what she wanted and she didn’t waste her time on “dead ends”. I’ve been wasting so much time on dead ends, getting nowhere, because I haven’t been attacking my love relationship -the one I want- with the precision and accuracy of Lisa Kudrow’s character in that movie. Even a kiss had to live up to her expectations. Which, by the way, it’s a great movie! I laugh and cry every time I see it and I can watch it over and over again and never get tired of it.

I want a guy who makes me feel like that movie – a guy I want to be with over and over again – day in and day out – a guy I can’t get enough of. A guy who thinks and feels the same way about me. I want our relationship to feel like I’m missing him, painfully, every single day if he wasn’t in my life. I want him to miss me, painfully, if I’m not in his.

From now on, I want to make sure no one’s pulling my trigger who’s not capable of giving me what I’m looking for – real love, deep desire, responsibility, and all the values I’m willing to bring to the table. I want those same values in him. I’m going to be attacking this mission with all the ammunition I’ve got, baby!

It’s time to get this show on the road! As Kelly says. What’s the point in being slow?

Here’s a list of things Kelly says in her song that ring true to me…
“You think I’m stupid but the truth is that it’s cupid. Baby, loving you’s made me this way.
The situation’s getting’ old. The more you talk, the less I can say.
I’m looking for attention. Not another question. Should you stay? Or should you go?
Well, if you don’t have the (right) answer, why are you still standing here?
I’ve waited here for you like a kid waiting after school. So tell me, how come you never showed?
I gave you everything and never asked for anything and look at me. I’m all alone.
Stop all your pretending.
I know you know I know.
So what’s the point of being slow?
Let’s get this show on the road today.
I’m looking for attention.
I want a love. I want a fire. So feel the burn in my desires.
I want a man by my side. Not a boy who runs and hides.
Are you going to fight for me? Die for me? Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me? Cuz if you don’t then just leave.”

Uh-Oh.
I think Matthew Hussey has released a cannon and he doesn’t even know it. It’s like the 4th of July over here and it’s only the third day into the New Year [2015]. I can’t help it.

It’s like the fireworks are going off inside my brain. The lights are finally on all over the place and I’m fully charged and ready to make my New Year’s Resolution happen. I’m attacking it like a full-on love war. I’m armed and ready for battle
-not to fight for wrong but what I’m entitled to…
-not to destroy someone else but to destroy those old myths I’ve had buried inside me for so long, too long
-not to be cold or predatory but to stop all the pretending like I have to wait for something to come to me instead of getting what I want. I don’t have time to wait.

I won’t be as cold and vulgar as Lisa’s character – it’s not who I am – but I won’t be wasting any more time waiting for that right dress to find me. I’ve got a war to win. I’m locked and loaded. I’m ready to make an offer. I just need to aim it in the direction that’s going to do me the most good.

I’m done pretending that I don’t know. I’m not a very good pretender anyway. What is the point in being slow?

What I’ve been really good at is waiting.
I’m probably the most patient person you’ll ever meet. But when I want something, I run out of patience very quickly. I want what I want – especially if I know it’s good or true or high quality and won’t hurt me. I go after it with the speed and precision of a cheetah. Until now, that applied to everything in my life, except love. I don’t even waste time shopping at Walmart because it’s shit, period. It breaks down or you have to throw it away after a few months. Even though I want to feel like I’ve been shopping for him at Georgio Armani, I want to also feel like I’ve gotten a great bargain. I don’t want to feel like I paid for some overpriced, gray suit. I want a t-shirt and jeans guy. In other words, I want a man who makes me feel as comfortable around him as me wearing his t-shirt does. Not Rambo, but just rugged enough and as durable as well-worn jeans – without the scratchy scruff, like hostility or arrogance, that give me a rash on my face whenever I try to kiss him. And I want him to burn for me like a cozy campfire every night and warm me like the sun on my face during stormy weather whenever I think of him. And of course, his gun must be locked and loaded too. I can be too much for some. I didn’t even think that was humanly possible – to be too much – but it’s true. Some like to go through a drive-thru when they dine. I like a romantic candlelight dinner, with a full-course meal – trying a little bit of everything – with dessert on a tray to pick from, tasty wine that goes to your head, and breakfast in bed the next morning, and the next one after that, and after that. There’s a whole buffet waiting to be explored! Why stop when you reach a McDonald’s?

What I want is a delicious gourmet burger who makes me feel like I’m eating tenderloin.

Here’s Denise – Going after what she wants and her Why.

And John Mayer’s song “Your Body is a Wonderland” has been playing on my iPod at work, making me dance like Kelly does in her “Walk Away” video. And at the same time, my head is buried in a sea of blankets, thanks to John. It’s especially delicious to listen to while devouring gourmet burgers! So, Eat at home more often!

Un-Conditional-ly

January 5



Oh, No. Did I get too close?
Oh, Did I almost see? What’s really on the inside? All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time…

There is no fear now. Let go. And just be free. I will…

This is the most visually stunning music video I’ve seen. It’s beautiful. It makes me wish I was living in the period of our history when men and women dressed like this. I’m glad I wasn’t alive then because I’d be more like the rebel, Joan of Arc, or burned at a stake for speaking up. But I love black velvet. It’s not very figure flattering but it’s worth the sacrifice for the feel of it alone. And a long string of ivory pearls…

This is the kind of thing I wish they’d bring back into fashion instead of the ugly 70s-ish crap they have out now.

I think it also awakens the fencing, sword-fighting soul inside of me. I’d love to be a part of that costume set. I would. I also want to learn falconry!

So, come. Just as you are. To me. Don’t need apologies. Know that you are worthy.

It’s elegant. It’s rich. It’s deep. It’s passionate. It’s gorgeous!

Open up your heart and just let it begin. Open up your heart. Acceptance is the key to be – to be truly free. Will you do the same for me? Unconditionally.

It also reminds me of the paradox…

Here’s Katy Perry singing “Unconditionally

Book of Me

January 4


I was going to call this “Matthew’s Bible” but decided there’s a lot that it says about me even though he’s talking about practically every person out there in this world – not just women. I’ve been trying to share with you the most insightful videos of Matthew Hussey since I discovered him. He’s a profit. An alchemist. A truth-seeker. An oracle. Even a bit odd.

Some of the things he’s said make me think “No way can this be right” and yet, every time, by the end of the video, he’s somehow convinced me to see his perspective or why he’d handle a situation in a certain way. Other things he says, I find I already knew but it was nice to have Matthew remind me of them. I encourage you to watch more of his Utube videos. I’ve really learned some good things. I wouldn’t be sharing them if I didn’t think they were of substance.

I thought I was done with finding love too. I’d given up because I live in SmallTown, Idaho. The men here are either Mormon and married, or they’re what I call “stupid cowboys” who can’t carry on a conversation with me for more than a couple of minutes. The worst of my selection happens to be married men. I get a lot of offers from them for some reason. Actually, I’ve been told the reason by several of them – I was that girl in High School they always had a crush on but never asked out because they were too shy. It’s not until after they’re married and see me again (I live in the town nearby that I graduated from High School at) that I remind them of the love they “let get away”. It pains me to hear them confess this to me after so many years have gone by. Why couldn’t they have told me way back then! Back when it would have meant so much more to me. When they say it to me now I think a lot less of them – because they’d be willing to be with me instead of being a man and being faithful, or ending their marriage if they feel like it was such a huge mistake to pass me up. I now see them as a coward, not as that cute or funny or fun guy in High School who never asked me out. (Note: If you’re reading this and you’re one of those I went to High School with, my sincere apologies, but the truth is the truth. I won’t reveal your name.) I’ve even had guys online confess to me they’re married but tell me they have an “open marriage” or they just flat out lie about being married and I find out through a little investigating.

I’ve been down that garden path
Matthew talks about. It was painful. It was a mistake. I ended it because I decided I couldn’t be with someone one minute longer who wasn’t in love with me. I wanted them to find someone they were in love with so they could feel what that feels like. More importantly, I wanted to be able to find someone who really was in love with me. I certainly couldn’t find that person while I was still attached to the man who wasn’t. I was smart enough to figure that out. I also wasn’t the kind who’d cheat – or go behind someone’s back to have a fling or an affair. I consider that betrayal, to the highest degree.

I felt like I had wasted so much precious time with that person – I didn’t dare waste what I’ve got left with someone who wasn’t in love with me, who wasn’t all the things I can’t live without or all the things I can’t live with. Life is precious. But life’s been screaming by and I haven’t had Mr. Wonderful fall from the sky and into my arms, yet.

Matthew spells it out for me in “Done with Love” – I hope his words sink into you too.

A Cuppa Hot-ty

January 3


Oh, we’ve all been there.

I’ve found I can be very intimidating to men because they think I’m smart – I think I have blonde roots. They think I’m exotic – I think I look dull and too granola. I often think I don’t wear enough makeup. I can leave my house with just mascara and blush on. I guess not many women have that kind of self-confidence. I don’t even think about it. The trouble is, I give off the “vibe” to a lot of guys. The truth is, I’m just as insecure as they are. As everyone is. I don’t have someone sitting around at my beck and call telling me how beautiful they think I am. It would be nice.

So here’s Matthew Hussey talking about “Hotties

FUBAR

January 3


I’ve really learned a lot
in the last 2 days. Really.

FUBAR. It’s a term I was taught much later on in my life. I heard someone say it and I asked them what it meant. They said “Fucked Up Beyond All Repair”. Urban Dictionary has another definition but still, the same meaning – sort of. For me, I was FUBAR’d by someone I thought I wasn’t good enough for – to the point I thought it was over and I was beyond repair…

Until I heard Matthew Hussey talking about jealousy and how he could cure it in 3 minutes. I wanted to put him to the test. After watching his video, I have to say, I feel like I was not only cured, but repaired and have banished the FUBAR wolf inside of me, created by someone I placed a lot of value on.

I have been good enough all along.

I’ve heard Matthew talking about “bringing value to someone’s life”. I thought I wasn’t “valuable enough” because I didn’t have my PhD, yet. I thought I wasn’t valued because I wasn’t taller, I wasn’t more this, or more that. Now I realize I have so much more that’s valuable to the man who values all the little things money can’t buy. And that man will be valuable to me because he does value things money can’t buy too. I’ve never been a materialistic person. I learned early in life that the more money you make, the more money you spend. In the end, you could still be an unhappy and miserable person and the money goes out the door as fast as it comes in.

Value has nothing to do with price – or money.

Being valuable has a different meaning to many different people. Something that’s treasured by one person may not hold the same value in the eyes of another. Value is in the eye of the beholder – the seeker.

I no longer have to worry about not being valuable. I just need to keep working on becoming more valuable – to myself. When I value myself more, I’ll value those same qualities in the person I’m looking for. And you know what? I already do.

It’s not about the car they drive, the house they live in, the job they have, the amount in their bank account, or the family they come from. I value what’s inside their heart and their mind and the dreams they have – day and night. I value their integrity, their honesty, their commitment, their promises they keep. I value their ability to inspire, to teach, to learn, to think, to explore, to care, to give, to appreciate, to believe, to trust, to see life in the smallest details – and I value most their capacity to love and be kind.

We can change our appearance. We can change our job. We can move into another house. We can buy a new car. We can spend all our money.

We can’t change those things I value very easily – all we can do is increase them. Or, lose them. But if we have them, we’ll never be able to make them any different. First, we must have them. And not everyone does. In fact, there are a lot of oysters out there but very few pearls. I hope the man I want to spend the rest of my life with can appreciate me as the pearl I am – or the diamond I’m trying to become.

Here’s Matthew talking about “Overcoming Jealousy in 3 Minutes

And because I think Kelly Clarkson is an amazing, strong woman who has also been FUBAR’d at one point in her life, I want to share her “Walk Away” song. I also love this video because the twins in the kitchen look like Steve Perry from Journey and the cop who dances while he works reminds me of me when I’m dancing at work. Yes, I do – when no one’s looking. Besides, the lab coat I wear hides most of my dance moves :)

Unconditional

January 2

Do You Agree? (Click on to zoom in)

I’m off to a good start on my New Year’s Resolution.

Here’s something that really made me say “Yeah – This guy (Matthew Hussey) really knows what he’s talking about.”

I’m looking for conditional love. Not just a boyfriend.

A relationship that is about teamwork, as one of my friends in Sweden told me about her second marriage – that it was a team effort which was why it was so different than her first marriage. It made sense. I agreed with her because I know that it was the lack of support and team effort that destroyed my last relationship. In my experience, the teamwork wasn’t there from the beginning even though I asked for it up front when we were first together and again before the relationship ended. It quickly dwindled and soon I was taking on more than I could do alone and decided after many years that if I was doing everything myself, never getting any help or support, I may as well be by myself – it would lighten my workload and responsibilities. And you know what? I felt like once that person was out of my life, I had lost two of that person, not just one – it was that much of a difference – I had taken on three times more of the responsibility all by myself – it was that noticeable when it was ended.

I’ve written about this checklist that this guy is talking about before. I remember the exact date it hit me – August 3, 2010 – Five Years Ago this year. Yes, it’s been that long. I remember sitting on my deck, overlooking a lake in Seattle. I had my feet propped up, enjoying the morning sun and listening to my iPod and the view of the lake. It was a beautiful day with just a few clouds overhead that felt like they were so close, I could touch them if I reached out my hand. I took a picture of them – it’s the one you see in this link to the post I wrote about it on August 4, 2010 called “Cloud Check“.

I think it’s worth revisiting. It was a moment that changed my life forevermore. This guy, Matthew, is just hitting the concept home for me once again.

So here’s Matthew talking about “The Myth of Unconditional Love” – Enjoy!

***Note: After giving this some more thought tonight, I feel I need to include that giving and loving are two very different things. I think Oscar Wilde is really talking about giving unconditionally – not expecting anything in return. When we love a life-companion, we should always expect love in return. Deep, nurturing, tender love. I didn’t put those expectations on the man I talked about in “Cloud Check” and it turned out he had been neglecting me for almost 20 years. My blind love for him and lack of expectations of expecting reciprocal love spelled disaster. I think society has confused what it means to give and to love. We should give love and we should love to give but they are still two very separate meanings in our literal vocabulary.

B+

January 1

My Little Black Dress

OK. Coming Clean.

I’ve been dealing with some introspection lately. It tends to happen this time of year for me. I look inward to see if there’s something I’m not doing that I should be doing, or if there’s things I’m doing right so I can pat myself on the back. Basically, it’s a self-assessment to see if I’m growing. It’s been said, “If you’re not busy living, you’re busy dying.” In my opinion, if you’re growing and learning new things every day, you’re living. If you stop learning, you die. Period.

You begin to die when you stop growing.

I’ve also become sort of the relationship expert for some of my close friends. Why? I’m not even in a relationship with anyone but for some reason they come to me for relationship advice. I know I do a lot to study relationships and to learn about what works / what doesn’t, to learn about how I can improve on things I thought I knew nothing about and found out I really do, or in areas I thought I knew a lot about and it turns out that I really didn’t know as much as I thought I did. I’m constantly putting myself under a microscope – that happens when you’re a Virgo -and- a scientist. I want to understand. I want to know the “Why”. As a scientist, you want to understand so you can repeat what you did or saw. As a Virgo, you want to understand so you don’t repeat because they’re mostly mistakes. Always aiming for perfection. That’s also why no one can stand us Virgos.

I know that the danger in the “Why” is knowing what you can’t un-know. Once you know something, and you’re certain about it, it’s that certainty of knowing that you can’t undo.

I’ve been told by a new friend that they believe speaking harsh honesty – with even a bit of cruelty – toward someone they know can improve that person – it gives that person growth, or opportunities for growth. In her mind, if she tells someone something they can improve on without sugar-coating it, they can grow by hearing what she has to tell them. For others, she can be too harsh, too cruel, too honest. I’m the kind of person who will go out of their way not to hurt someone’s feelings. It has to get really bad for me to be mean – and even then, I still try hard to refrain from being cruel. In a way, I wish I could be more like her – never just putting up with shit for the sake of someone’s feelings getting hurt. To her, she came to this conclusion because there’s no time to waste on this planet by avoiding hurt feelings. To me, there’s very precious little time. Avoid spending it hurting someone else.

Maybe there’s a balance between the two camps?

So, thinking about this and about the relationship problems I’ve been trying to solve for friends and about how pathetic my lack of having a relationship with someone has gotten, I’ve decided I’m very tired of not having a great love life.

There. I said it.

I’m tired of hearing about other people’s problems with their relationships when they’re not willing to examine WHY these problems keep happening and I’m tired of examining myself to the point of avoiding relationships all together. I admit it. I avoid a lot of “potentials”. I didn’t realize it until just in the last few weeks.

It’s not that I’m tired of giving advice to my friends. I’m honored that they think highly enough of me to come to me for advice, but what I’m tired of is that it falls on deaf ears to those chronic abusers. Am I sugar-coating it too much? Is it not as easy for them to do what comes natural to me as a Virgo – to examine themselves under a microscope? To really take a closer look and ask the terrible “Why?” question.

I’ve been feeling especially guilty – yes, I have a lot of guilt, even when there’s nothing to really feel guilt about – I’ll find a way to feel guilty about it. So, I’ve been feeling especially guilty lately because I made plans for Valentine’s Day with a 6-year-old instead of leaving it open so I’m available for prospective date/mate material. I feel like somehow, just because I finally got tired of spending Valentine’s Day night alone – or with a female friend as has been the case over the last I-can’t-even-count-on-one-hand years and I’ve made plans that don’t include Mr. Invisible-right-now, I’ve destroyed all hope of meeting that person. Guilt, Maxed.

I keep reminding myself that it wasn’t intentional. I knew that the next performance of the local symphony I wanted to see – that I’ve been dying to see – for the last I-can’t-even-count-on-one-hand years is the Red Dress Event, which falls on Valentine’s Day night every year. I also knew I had a chance to introduce and inspire a 6-year-old, who wants to play a trombone, to see a semi-professional female trombone player. What better way to inspire someone than to show them their what-can-be?

I didn’t plan the date. I had nothing to do with it. I didn’t cause the Christmas trombone wish. I had nothing to do with that either. What I did do was bring it all together and tie it up in a big, red bow. Did my actions somehow tell the Universe that I’m not making myself available? Or did I set up a house of cards that was going to cause Mr. Invisible-right-now to come out of hiding at the worse moment of my entire life because I wasn’t going to be available and he’d walk away? I’d miss out? Did I do it subconsciously? It all sounds really ridiculous when I talk about it out in the open, but it’s true. That’s my guilt. I have to own it.

I know I’m going to go to the symphony and I know I’m going to have a magical night. I’ve planned it that way. It’s that certainty thing again. I know I won’t be disappointed, even if the night was a total disaster. I will still find a way to make it wonderful. That’s who I am. I find the best in everything. I don’t try to find the worst and pick at it until it bleeds. I think that’s where the difference between what my non-sugar-coating friend is doing and what I’ve been doing. I will admit, I do need to point out the worst more often – including the worst in me, but avoid making it bleed. It can bruise, but those heal. Bleeding hearts don’t often heal.

It can take years.

Over the years, I try to find something I can improve in myself every New Year. It’s not always something I need to stop doing, but rather what I need to be doing – or doing more of. This year, I stumbled across a guy named Matthew Hussey who’s a “relationship coach“. I’d gotten links to his advertisements online before, only to dismiss it as spam because it encouraged you to buy a product at the end of its “self-help video”. I didn’t think the guy was for-real; just another “love evangelist” trying to save lost and lonely souls from Hell. I can’t even remember exactly how I stumbled upon Matthew this time… but it was while I was shopping for my own new Valentine’s night dress online. Looking around for what else was out there. I had gone to the dress store with a friend to look for something and she convinced me that I still had plenty of time to “look around” for the perfect dress. I already saw one in the store I liked, almost immediately, but I waited like she suggested. It was black after all, and I was looking for something in red. That was my mission. Had I failed miserably already? Flunked the Red Dress test? She chastised me for picking out another black piece of clothing – “You need to wear something other than black all the time,” she said in a motherly voice. She also told me she had a dress for me in mind – this is the kind of friend who can buy shit for me and it fits – perfectly – every . single . time. – AND I like it – when I can’t even get stuff for myself that fits or that I like. She’s amazing. I tell her all the time, she should be a professional personal shopper. It’s a skill and a talent that not everyone has. She can’t see it in herself.

Maybe I was meant to find that little black dress so I’d find Matthew’s videos?

Maybe I was meant to find it so I’d finally figure out – and listen to advice from someone else for once! – Why I’ve been doing everything wrong. Whatever the reason, I was unwilling to compromise on my choice of dress. I want that dress. And I haven’t even tried it on yet. They didn’t have one in my size at the store. Of course. I’m beginning to see the similarities between my dress shopping and my relationship date/mate material shopping methods. The dress and the guy who fits me have already been bought or sold. I may have to go online to find them both. Perhaps, to the ends of the Earth.

In one of Matthew’s videos it hit me hard when he was talking about a woman trying on a dress she’s looking for. I’ve been that woman standing in the department store, waiting for the right dress to come to me – for all this time. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I’m guilty. No more.

By watching some of Matthew’s videos, I’ve come to realize that I’ve limited myself by excluding guys from where I work, from being what I considered too much younger than me, too much of a Sugar Daddy, or crossing them off because they had a cat (I’m allergic), or they live too far away, or because I thought they’d never consider living in BlackHole, Idaho, where I live right now, or that I wasn’t good enough for them, or whatever reason I came up with at the moment – I cut them off before I even gave them a chance. I was making the decisions for them. I was trying to control a love life that was beyond resuscitation. It was D.O.A.

I also realized recently, after trying to really examine why I didn’t have a boyfriend, I need to s.l.o.w. d.o.w.n.

I’m always disgusted with people and chastising them for not slowing down or for rushing through life and missing out on the little moments that happen, like magic, all around us every day – whether it’s the butterflies on a hiking trail or a beautiful mountain lake at the end of a crazy, death-defying journey, or a sunrise, or a sunset, or a 6-year-old’s Christmas wish. We miss out on things when we rush, like madmen – or in my case, madwomen – through life.

I was shopping at a grocery store recently and thinking to myself how nice it would be to be cooking for someone I love – even though I was buying things to make stuff for friends and co-workers at the time – I wanted to be baking and cooking for a lover. I was so caught up in the thought of my own misery that I wasn’t looking around the store and noticing any guys that I could start talking to, who’d be buying the same kind of foods I like to eat. Potential boyfriends. Listening to Matthew has made me realize I’d missed out on an opportunity to shop for the right dress at a grocery store. I repeat – A Grocery Store.

I was also at HomeDepot shortly after the grocery store experience. I had a few things in my shopping cart – not too heavy – but enough to make me think to myself while shopping that it would be nice to have a guy in my life who could help carry my groceries or HomeDepot stuff to -our- car, who could help me assemble the big ass shit once I got home with it. Even the small ass shit. It didn’t matter – it would just be nice. I found myself thinking about it while I was pushing the cart around HomeDepot. I even laughed to myself thinking about the intro to the movie “Must Love Dogs” where the woman says she meets guys in hardware stores and why. I was chastising myself for not approaching someone and being so bold as that woman was. (I can’t find a clip online with the intro. Sorry. You’ll just have to watch the movie to see what I’m talking about. It’s a cute movie. You’ll like it. Besides, you’ll also see a lot of “me” in it. I did.) I found what I was looking for in HomeDepot and took it to my car. The car parked next to me had two guys who were putting long boards into the back of their minivan. I waited. I couldn’t reach the passenger side of my car without bumping into theirs. I waited. They started to back out when the younger guy sitting in the passenger seat of the minivan hopped out and asked if I needed help putting my stuff into my car. I told him Thank You, but that I was just waiting for them to back out. It was also after dark and he was a total stranger – I was alone and being cautious. He got back in his car. I pulled the cart closer to my door and at the same time, looked into their windshield, only to notice the younger guy doing a “shucks” movement with his arm and the older guy – who must have been his dad – laugh. It wasn’t until then that it hit me that I’d missed out on another opportunity to meet date/mate material. And this was a nice guy – he actually offered to help me. Guys open doors for me but very few offer to load stuff into my car for me – a total stranger. The minivan kept backing out and I was too exhausted from working a 12-hour day to chase after them. The nice guy was gone.

In 2015 I Promise To Myself
to Slow Down. To Look Around. To Try On More Dresses. To Accept Offers From Strangers. To Check Out Shopping Carts at the Grocery Store. To Risk More. To STOP Waiting For The Right Dress To Find Me and leap onto my body. I Promise to make 2015 the year my love life takes a dramatic change and to stop giving everyone I know, or even the ones I don’t, the opportunity to ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend.

I’m going to aim for improving my love life from a failing, miserable, dying “F” to at least a “B+”. And if 2016 gets here and I’m not noticeably improved, I will at least be able to stop feeling guilty – because I will know I’ve given it my very best. And I’ve tried.

I won’t deny that I’ll still be looking to find that Little Black Dress that I love at first sight – or that I’d still love it as much even if it’s not in Ferrari red – I know that it’ll be in just my size and it’ll make me feel sexy and beautiful every time I look at it, when it’s sitting next to me, or when I’m wearing it. And maybe – just maybe – that Little Black Dress will be able to assemble all the big and little shit I need his help with and He’ll feel like home.

Hilary Duff “Come Clean

Mums Day

December 27


I went to a friend of a friend’s for the holidays.

I’d met the friend’s friend before but this was the first time I really had a chance to talk to her two children – a boy (8) and a girl (6 years old). I asked them, like you would ask all young children at this time of year here in Southeast Idaho (USA) where I live, “What do you want Santa to bring you?”

The little girl looked shyly at her mother and spoke to me in a hushed voice, “I want a trombone.”

I was so surprised by her answer that I could barely get my reply to move out across my lips and make a sound in the air… “That’s a very cool thing to wish for.” This little girl is very tiny and her mother isn’t much bigger than she is. It’s rare for a girl to want to play a trombone – especially a really tiny one.

I knew the mother, who was a single parent, raising two children, had just barely managed to finish college and was looking for a permanent job, really couldn’t afford the cost of a musical instrument like that. I also knew in my heart that even on a short notice, I wanted to be a Santa and make this little girl’s wish come true. I looked at the mom and smiled. I knew everything would turn out fine and I wanted to make sure such an amazing wish would come true. It breaks my heart when a child has their dream dashed to pieces because they can’t afford it or they’re not given the same opportunities as other children.

The mom has had serious health problems and had been diagnosed with a tumor at the base of her brain when the little girl was just a few months old. She has been living in constant pain since, sometimes with such severe headaches she couldn’t function and found herself unable to work or attend classes. She’s reached a point where she has to choose between being able to continue to pay for her health insurance or pay rent for the house the three of them are living in. It was going to be a minimal Christmas.

I returned home that night consumed with the thoughts of how I could pull off this Christmas wish. I sent a text to the mom the next morning, asking if she was going to be able to get a trombone for her daughter and that if not, I wanted to help make it happen. She responded that the little girl’s grandmother was planning to take care of it. I was happy to hear the news but I wanted to do more…

I know a woman who plays the trombone for the local symphony. I’ve watched her perform several times – even in a local jazz band during the summer months. For several years now, I’ve been wanting to go to the Valentine’s Day special event called the “Red Dress Affair” the symphony hosts – it’s very elegant and it’s always sold out. It’s also one of the few events in my small town where I can play dress-up.

No, I still don’t have a boyfriend – yes, it’s true. It’s gotten to the point that when I go to the LGBT Pride Day celebration every Summer, I’m mistaken for a lesbian – which isn’t a bad thing – unless you live in a small town like I do and then the “label” sticks like glue. I’ve also got total strangers looking for a guy for me. It really is pathetic. On one hand, I’m grateful because I don’t know how long I will be staying in this small town. On the other hand, I’ve decided that I’d really like to find someone who’s as excited about Valentine’s Day as I am this year – someone who can hardly contain himself because he wants to do something special to make me smile – as much as I’m smiling in my heart for this little girl right now.

Valentine’s Day can’t come soon enough!

I do have a golden rule that’s kept me out of trouble – in both a good and bad way… “Don’t dip your pen in company ink or pee in your own pool

My friends can quote me on that. I’ve managed to avoid the drama they’ve had to go through when their co-worker relationships don’t work out and they still have to work with that person every day. It also severely limits the guys I meet. The problem with the offers I get at work is that they’re about 20 years younger than I am. The rest are married and I’m not interested in breaking up a marriage. No. Thank. You.

So, I decided to take this little girl to the symphony to introduce her to my friend who plays the trombone and treat her like a princess for a night – as my special Valentine this year. I’ve got our almost-front-row tickets. I found her a dress and the black, suede boots that, according to her mom, have been on her wish list for a very long time. I also found her a red sequin purse with a silver heart-shaped lock to go with it. I’m excited to play dress-up with her.  I’ll keep you posted – but for now, Mum’s the word!

P.S. Santa did bring her a trombone. A red one.

I’ve been listening to the CD her mother gave me for Christmas. It’s the Broods “Evergreen” CD and my favorite song “Mother & Father

Kneelin’

December 26

On a wing. And a prayer.

The older I get, the more this song speaks to me…

You’ll know the song when you hear it. No intro needed. Just pure gold.

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Me on my 10th birthday ~ A very sad day

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

~ Lao-tzu, Chinese philosopher (604 BC – 531 BC)

Knowing that I am about to take a journey of a thousand miles doesn’t make writing this any easier. I am about to share with you things I haven’t made public until now. I have only talked about these things with a few people I have allowed to get close enough to me over the years. I have a lot of friends but I didn’t make really good, true friends until I was much older. Growing up, life was very difficult for me. I was subjected to abuse, neglect, and things no child should have to suffer through.

I am number 7 of 8 children. Only 7 survived; 6 girls and 1 boy. They are all my half-siblings and I have another brother from a step-mother on my dad’s side. My real dad died in a car accident when I was 6 but my parents had divorced long before that. Practically from the moment I was born, my life has been a living miracle. I was raised by my grandmother, “Mrs. B” as everyone called her, for most of my life. It was the time spent with my mother that can fill the pages of a novel and which has brought me to this site, to share my life with all of you reading this.

I have often been told by those who know me and hear my story that I should write a book about my life. I have kept a journal for 31 years and consider it my therapy and believe it’s one of the reasons I have been able to deal with the demons in my past as well as I have. I guess, in a way, by writing about my experiences here, I am finally writing that book. And I am willing to share with you a lot of the things that happened but what I am not willing to share are the specific methods used to torture me as a child since I vowed to myself long ago that I would never disclose that information. I don’t want anyone reading my words to get any ideas on how to torture a child without leaving a mark.

It’s an epidemic in our society ~ One that I believe has gotten much worse since I endured it. Even though I managed to live through all of it, I have often wondered how I managed to turn out so different than my siblings ~ That one in eight ~ who went on to break the cycle of abuse, thrive, live a healthy life, and arrive at a place where I can talk about it with all of you. How is it possible that I didn’t turn out to be a criminal or an abuser? How is it possible that I have managed to be “normal” when my mother and siblings aren’t? How is it possible that I was able to move on and not dwell on what happened? How is it possible for me to talk about it now? And above all, why am I so happy?

I was told by my grandmother (my mother’s mother, Mrs. B.) that I was barely three months old when she and her husband, my grandpa Warren, drove from Idaho to an orphanage in California “to get me” and my siblings. She said they waited and waited for what seemed like hours “for the women to bring me out”. She said she didn’t think they were going to let her have me – that I had already been adopted out and they were too late – until finally one of the women brought me to my grandmother and explained that they couldn’t find any clothes for me to wear and that was the reason for the delay. To hear that I was laying in a crib naked, at three months old, somewhere in an orphanage in California, makes me shudder to this day. Of course, I was too young to remember that.

What I do remember is how happy I was while living with Mrs. B. ~ a “brown-purse-carrying-woman” who only “graduated” from the 8th grade (Girls weren’t encouraged to go beyond that grade in school during the time period she grew up in).  Undeterred by this, she managed to own her own restaurant during one time in her life. She was an amazing woman who lived to be 88 years old and whose words still echo inside my head every now and then when I am searching for wisdom ~ some of the pearls I will be sharing with you.

I’ve always felt like I was lucky and blessed throughout my life. I just didn’t realize how lucky I was until I heard Country Music Singer, Jimmy Wayne, say that only three-percent of kids who are exposed to abuse and neglect grow up to “survive and thrive” (as I call it), becoming productive members of our society ~ I didn’t realize I was a “Three-Percent Girl” until February 5, 2010. I still cannot get the words out of my head. It has taken me a month to overcome the tears and sadness and overwhelming shock I felt when I realized I was only one of THREE-percent. Three lucky pennies who have managed to pay back to society what others have lost.

This site will go on to live long after Jimmy has finished his walk from Nashville, TN, to Phoenix, AZ. I am going to be sharing with you not just what happened to me as a child, but also talk about my mentor, Fred, who is a HUGE reason I believe I survived and became such a well-rounded individual and I will be giving him an opportunity to write, in his own words, what it was like to be a mentor to me and how that happened. I am going to share with you my thoughts as I look at the world through the eyes of a three-percent girl, including articles, statistics, resources, experiences I’ve had in the past, such as volunteer work I’ve done, as well as since Jimmy has begun his Project Meet Me Halfway campaign and the sister site, ProjectMMH.org began. I’ll be sharing some of the fun things I do every day, including some of my recipes, pictures, and ideas. And of course, some good laughs (because those of you who know me from Twitter, know I can hardly keep a straight virtual face!) and since I’m an environmental scientist, I will be talking about the environment ~ which, surprisingly, ties in very neatly with the problems we are having in our world today with teen homelessness and the mission that brought Jimmy and I together, on the same path, where our two worlds collided and helped you and I meet on Twitter (something I knew nothing about until 2 months ago!).

I am new to blogging as well, so forgive me if it takes a little while for me to figure it out – I’ve been on a crash course for a few days now. I also encourage you to post a comment – which, I believe, will be hidden until I can decide how to best manage them – if you have questions. I will be happy to answer them or find the answers for you and post them in upcoming blogs. I hope this will be a two-way channel of communication since I truly believe the only way we can change the epidemic is through education and communication.

This website is a view into my world as a 3-percent Girl ~ A way of sharing with others my past, my present, my thoughts, my questions, my answers, and my adventures. It’s my desire that in some small way it may save a life or inspire “hope”.  Therefore, I hope you enjoy the walk with me… into my future

~ Leilani (who considers herself a VERY lucky girl!)

P.S. For those of you who have stumbled upon my page and want to learn more, click on the hyperlinks I’ve provided in my pages and they will guide you to more resources. Just click the back arrow on your web browser to return to my site. Don’t forget to bookmark my page too! Thanks for visiting and I hope we can one day share a cup of coffee, some good laughs, and a great conversation, face-to-face.

Hope is a waking dream” ~ Aristotle

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Follow Me On Twitter ~ To send me a personal message, you can ask me to follow you back and then send me a DM.