~ Bran with fresh Blueberries, a little butter and drizzled honey ~

I once had an Irish roommate in college. She was tall and thin and had long, curly, fiery red hair and a freckled face. She also liked to wear bright red lipstick and do what she called “clogging” or “Irish Step Dancing”.  At the time, I didn’t really appreciate her for that. 

I loved her for her muffins. 

I was living in a dorm room with 5 other girls and Lynette was one of them.  I was the wild one of the bunch. It was a Mormon college and I rebelled against all things religious.  They were there to find a husband. I was there to move on and explore.  We each took turns shopping for groceries and cooking a meal together.  It was the first time I’d ever lived with anyone, as an adult. I also didn’t grow up with a mother who taught me how to cook or bake.  My roommates came from large families who specialized in teaching the “women folk” how to be good “homemakers” (as the Mormon like to call the female gender of their inner circle).

My grandmother had once owned her very own restaurant but by the time I came to live with her, she was well into her retirement years and into the “turn-it-up-on-high-and-burn-everything” phase of her life or what some refer to as the “golden years“. I think they should really be called “burnt-to-a-crisp, beyond-recognition, because-we-can’t-taste-anything-anymore years”.  At the time, my experience at “homemaking” was from a 3-month class in Home-Economics in High School and the valuable time spent among my college roommates. By now, I’ve perfected the art.

Lynette made delicious muffins.

I begged her to share the recipe. She finally gave in and I’ve cherished it ever since. I hope she won’t mind that I’m sharing it here. One of my best friends, Ambur, has been begging me to share it.  Ambur loves Abba (the band) and my “Lynette Muffins”~ So, Ambur, today is your lucky day!

I’ve given this recipe to close family members over the years. I don’t know what they’re doing wrong but they all have turned out like brown, flat, dry, hockey pucks.  You need to follow the instructions exactly.  No substitutions (except where noted). I’ve added fresh and frozen blueberries to mine on a regular basis. I like them that way. You can also add pineapple “tidbits” and coconut flakes, or dried cranberries or fresh chunks of strawberries, or even dried apricots or chocolate chips.

Whatever floats your Irish boat.

Bran Muffins
2 c. bran cereal (Bran Buds)
2 c. boiling water
1 c. oil
3 c. sugar
4 eggs
1 quart Buttermilk
5 c. flour
5 tsp. baking powder (originally called for baking soda – I don’t use it)
2 tsp. (sea) salt
4 c. Bran Flakes cereal

Pour boiling water over Bran Buds in a bowl. Let it sit. Mix together, in a large bowl, the oil, sugar, eggs, and buttermilk. Add bran and water mixture. Stir. Add baking powder, salt and then the Bran Flakes. Slowly add the fruit so you don’t crush it. Stir in the flour. Store in a covered, non-metal bowl in the refrigerator. Do Not Stir or Shake. When ready to make, bake in lightly oiled muffin tins at 400F for 20-30 minutes. Makes a lot of muffins. Make as many or as few as you like.

I add about 1-1/2 cups fruit at the last minute, during mixing. Don’t over-stir or crush the berries.  I’ve also added 1-2 cups of regular, rolled oats instead of the Bran Buds (in the boiling water). Works great. Bran and oats are for fiber. Humans need it.  And before you turn your nose up at bran, you haven’t tried MY muffins. People who don’t like bran, LOVE these.

So, Thank you, Lynette ~ wherever you are.  I imagine you married to a fellow River Dancer, happily clogging your way through all the golden years ahead of you!  I confess that now I understand your passion for “the dance”.

River Dance ~ A Traditional Irish Folk Dance ~ Their Final Performance

~ San Francisco Public Library ~

“I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others
but give them life, and not only life but that great consciousness of life.”
~ Jack Kerouac

Today is Jack Kerouac’s birthday.  Born March 12, 1922 in Lowell, MA.  An American author and poet, dreamer and doer. 

He wanted to know if a man could die and live on in others, giving them a great consciousness of life.  I am here to tell you that he most definitely does live on in my heart.  His words have inspired me, shed light on some deep subjects, helped me see clearer and understand there’s so much more “out there” and I am just a small part in this game called life but without me, the world would be different.  I bring to the world a bit of spice that those who know me may have missed out on if I hadn’t been a part of theirs.  Jack simplifies all things, finding the pleasure and brilliance behind a leaf floating on the surface of a stream in the mountains.

Refusing to be labeled a “beatnik” during a period of time when being different meant something.  He was the Prince of the beatnik generation, a Jack of Diamonds and the King of Hearts. If there is anything good to come from America, it’s Kerouac. I treasure him. 

Jack was a painter of words.  Paper was his canvas. A pen was his paintbrush. The open road was his map.

There was a movie release last year (2012) about his novel “On The Road“.  The film never played in Idaho, where I live.  I’m actually glad.  I would have been tempted to go see it but I’m not fond of the lead actress.  I think it may have become the first movie I’ve ever walked out on.  It may have tarnished the memory of Jack in my mind forever.  I don’t want to experience that.  I’m thankful to let Jack live on in my mind as the mad dog he was.  Mad for life. Mad for love. Mad to talk. Mad to be saved.  Desirous of everything at the same time.

Jack’s car was his chariot.  The wind was his horse.
The moon was his lover.  Liquor was his truth serum.

"I don't like jail. They got the wrong kind of bars in there" ~ Jack Kerouac

I decided I’d spend my birthday last year in San Francisco.  It was Kerouac’s playground.  I was born nearby but had never been there since.  After experiencing it for the first time myself, I can understand why Jack loved the city so much.  It’s a great magnet that can charm even the wildest of hearts. I can only imagine what the atmosphere must have been like there in the 50’s and 60’s – at the peak of the beatnik movement.

Jack has moved on.  His writing haunts the bookshelves of the world. His words shatter stained glass.  Never to be forgotten.  Kerouac is immortal, behind the wheel of a car he never learned to physically drive but mentally, was always in the driver’s seat of life.  You can read about him [HERE].

“Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?”
~ Jack Kerouac

And many women have lost more than just their hearts to Jack… He kept a list of them…

~ Read about the women in his life... ~

~ Notice the word "over" at the very bottom? ~

A rare video of Jack Kerouac that shows the tragic and tender side of this dreamer…

3.  Happy Birthday!

I can hardly believe I’ve been writing on my website for three years now.  It all began with this post “Why Am I Here?” and has grown to 442 posts over the last 3 years.  According to my 1-year Site Birthday, I had banked 95 posts at that time. Whew!  How I have grown!

I hope what I’ve shared has inspired you over the years and you’ve learned something you didn’t know.  I hope it’s made you stronger and a more valuable being to humanity.  I know that I’ve share things I would have never spoken of if you and I had just met on the street, face-to-face somewhere.  More than just my “in real life” friends read this.  I often think of how different it would be if I had met any of you in person.  I know without a doubt that I would not have revealed much of any of this if we had.  I’m a very private person. 

This website has been my gift to you.  Treasure it.

Normally, birthdays are occasions to receive gifts from others.  Instead of me receiving a gift, I have given this gift to you.  It’s a part of who I am on the inside and it also has a lot of my favorite things sprinkled throughout its pages.  The only thing I wish it had was a place to store all my photos so it could display a slideshow to share with all of you.  Maybe one day?

I should really “upgrade” this website to the newest version but I’m afraid of crashing it and losing all my work.  Soon I won’t have a choice because my internet explorer software needs to be updated and at the moment, it’s not compatible with the version of software I use to edit this website. Something’s Gotta Give.

It’s been my original mission when I began this site to talk freely and openly about whatever was on my mind at the moment or share something I thought you’d enjoy reading about.  It’s never been easy for me to talk about myself in person.  The same is true when I try to talk about myself as a 3-Percent Girl.

Just as I said in one of my posts, “The Moon To Guide Me“…

“I realize that by sharing this, I’m exposing another layer beneath my skin.  It’s not something I’m comfortable with.  By nature, I fiercely protect my privacy.  That’s not what this website is about.  I am learning that by sharing “me” I help others to better understand themselves and, hopefully, that understanding will help those reading this to help others and the knowledge that we are not alone will spread.”

So I raise a glass of cheer to celebrate the transition I’ve made from the very beginning 3 years ago to now.  I celebrate with all of you reading this because without you, these words would be just alphabet letters on a digital page.  Thank you.  You inspire me to be a better person and you color my world with your amazing personalities too.  Here’s to another inspiring year filled with love and happiness to both of us!

“A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.”
~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Roman philosopher

Baby You Can Drive My Car… Yes, you can…

Did you know your zodiac sign plays a big part in whether you’re prone to getting a speeding ticket or into an accident?

According to research done by Canadian company Insurance Hotline.com your zodiac sign can predict whether or not you are more or least likely to get a ticket or into an auto accident.  They claim Pisces are the worst for getting a speeding ticket because they tend to daydream while driving.  I’d also say it’s because Pisces are very honest people and they tend to drink more than other zodiac signs.  This is followed closely by Aries who tend to have a firey temper and want to “get there fast”.  The least likely to get a speeding ticket is a Gemini.  I think this is because a Gemini is so adept at communication, they can easily talk their way out of a ticket no matter if they were fleeing the scene of a crime or on their way home from church.

Those who are most likely to get into an accident according to their study was a Libra because they have a difficult time making decisions they tend to make them at the last minute.  Have you ever seen anyone on the freeway in the lefthand lane suddenly swerve to the right, across five lanes of traffic to get off the freeway?  I have.  I’m betting that person was a Libra-something (Sun, Rising, Moon).  It would be interesting to study but of course, they make such a last-minute decision you wouldn’t be able to track them down! Scorpio drivers tend to get into accidents too. Maybe it’s because they’re rubber-necking at the cute pedestrian and forget to look where they’re going?

Pull Over!

Those who are least likely to cause an accident are either born under the sign of Leo or Cancer.  I found this interesting because Leo people tend to be very proud of what they wear, the house they live in and the car they drive.  For them, it’s probably a matter of protecting their property from damage which causes them to be overly cautious and keeps them from being in an accident.  As for Cancer signs, these people are usually driving a “family car” – a stationwagon or a minivan or a Suburban if they live in Utah.  I really don’t understand why they fall into the “most safe driver” category because they’re usually distracted by having to yell into the backseat to tell the kids to “Let go of that! It’s your sister’s. Don’t make me pull over! If I have to pull over, you’re both going to walk home!”

Can your zodiac sign really predict your driving record?

I’d have to say it most certainly can. It  predicts the amount of energy you have, the amount of determination, your love of reading, writing, work or play. It can even determine whether you’re a night owl or not. It can predict what kind of person you’re most attracted to, your friends, your family members, your children, your sex life, your career ~ basically, your entire life map. It’s so predictable, Facebook, Twitter, Amazon and other sites are using it to make predictions about you such as what book you’re likely to purchase because you just bought a certain one or where you’re likely to work based on what High School or college you attended and those of your “friends” on Facebook.  Whether you like it or not, you are predictable. 

You still have the ability to change and grow but how you make those choices and when you’re most likely to make those changes or choices is written in the stars, at the time of your birth, and as Geoffrey Burbidge, a leading English physicist discovered in his personal research, we are all made of stardust – the same supernova star.  You can read more about his work here [LINK] and here [LINK]

Here’s the Lowdown…

Tickets, according to the research, from Worst to Best Ranking:
1. Pisces
2. Aries
3. Aquarius
4. Capricorn
5. Libra
6. Taurus
7. Scorpio
8. Leo
9. Cancer
10. Virgo
11. Sagittarius
12. Gemini

Accidents from Worst to Best Ranking:
1. Libra
2. Scorpio
3. Capricorn
4. Aries
5. Aquarius
6. Sagittarius
7. Pisces
8. Taurus
9. Virgo
10. Gemini
11. Cancer
12. Leo

Your traditional western Zodiac Sign and its keyword according to your date of birth:

Aries 3/21-4/18 -  Impatience, Determination
Taurus 4/20-5/20 - Uncompromising, possessive
Gemini 5/21-6/20 - Short attention span, nervous
Cancer 6/21-7/22 - Compassion, sensitivity
Leo 7/23-8/22 - Arrogance, inflexibility
Virgo 8/23-9/22 - Worry, shyness
Libra 9/23-10/22 - Cooperative, gracious
Scorpio 10/23-11/21 - Passionate, resourceful
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 - Impatient, idealistic
Capricorn 12/22-1/19 - Responsible, disciplined
Aquarius 1/20-2/8 – Progressive, independent
Pisces 2/19-3/20 - Fearful, overly trusting

What’s a good car for you according to your zodiac sign? Answer.  What kind of cars are popular among the “filthy rich”?  Answer.  And because I love music, I want to share with you a website with a list of more than 100 “car songs” just for fun. I loved looking through the list and recognizing some of my favorites. Some I haven’t listened to for a long time such as The Cars “Drive” or Sammy Hagar “I Can’t Drive 55” or Bruce Springsteen “Pink Cadillac” and Golden Earring “Radar Love“.  And a classic…

Chuck Berry “No Particular Place To Go” ~ Merci Beaucoupe!

One of my nicknames (I have a few) is Leadfoot Leilani :) I like to go fast. What can I say?

As I said in a previous post on my website ~ “Zero to 60” ~ I have my favorites… But when Lamborghini unveiled it’s new Veneno ~ my heart caught on fire. Spontaneous Combustion.

There’s even a gold-plated one I saw… [Click Here] ~ Which is too tacky for my taste.

But there’s something even more beautiful that caught my eye… I think it has the power to transform the way we commute – not just in America but also in places like India who depend on motorcycles as a main form of transportation. It took my breath away!

I just can’t decide what color I’d like :)   SO SEXY!

Daniel Kim, the inventor, is a BRILLIANT man! I’ve been told the manufacturing plant is in Portland, OR ~ The home of my FAVORITE bookstore, Powell’s <3 I’ve also seen a video of the motorcycle in San Francisco, so I’m not certain. I’ve also heard the price range from $16,000USD to $28,000USD and the release date as far out as 2014. I’m keeping my eye on it! And my heart!

I DO BELIEVE IN MAGIC!

C1 – Lit Motorcycle [Video 1]

[Video 2]

[Video 3]

Another article from Earth911 on the C1-Lit [HERE]

For information directly from the Lit Motors website Go [HERE]

Beatles “Drive My Car”

Beneath My Bed

Love letters from long ago.
Kept. In a wooden box beneath my bed.
All the words once written to a lover,
Who used to be the Master,
Of the thoughts inside my head.

Love letters from long ago.
Hidden. In a box beneath my bed.
Covered in tears and layers of dust.
Forgotten. Buried. Along with love and the lust.

As I reach for the box,
My fingers go numb.
I lose all feeling. As I recall.
How my heart was once whole. One.

I see how it was crushed into a million fragments.
Pieces.
How it bled.
Lost. Scattered.
Among the words in that box.
Beneath my sleepless bed.

Love letters from long ago.
That once had the power to move me.
Now they’re meaningless because I see,
How they were only written by you to use Me.

My mind is no longer trapped. In that box of paper.
My heart has now been set free,
From the inky ropes used to bind and cage a blue bird,
Who was meant to only be Me.

Love letters from long ago.
Giant. The box seems so tiny now,
As it floats, ghostly out to sea.
Carved from the wood of a majestic tree.

That tree once grew among others. Tall.
Their limbs reaching toward the sky.
Cut down to build boxes to hold letters,
Like the ones written between you and I.

Love letters from long ago.
Saved. In a box made from the death of a tree.
Written on paper made from its skin.
So much had to die,
To awaken a soul within.

If only you had made me castles in the sand instead,
Where the tide could wash them back, instantly into the sea.
The love I once gave you would have maybe meant more.
Lasted.
Than the She or He who has now replaced the Me.

I wouldn’t be left behind. Alone to ponder,
All these thoughts inside my aching head.
To wipe away the tears I’ve shed. Over you.
Only now to use them to paint with muddy ink.
A different picture.
Trying to erase.
As I think of all those years,
While walking back across the wet sand.
Left to wonder how life would have been so different,
Had I never read more into what you said.

I’ve tossed those letters into the ocean.
To drown in a massive sea.
I’ve moved on from where I once stood behind you.
My heart has grown much stronger. New.
It has long since rejoined to heal my head,
To reclaim what I once freely gave you.
Quietly shout.
I was always afraid, after, to pull those letters out…

From beneath. My lovesick bed.

Now they’re melting like fire in the water.
Drifting out to sea.
I can’t keep those letters. No longer read.
They’re becoming food to feed future trees,
That will be cut down to make paper and boxes.
Stored. Like abandoned tiny coffins,
Beneath other dying, burning beds.
               ~ Leilani (2/24/13)

My inspiration:  Lost in the Trees ~ “Villain”

I’m behind on posts. I have several I wanted to post during the month of February, in celebration of all things love, but time has gotten away from me. So, forgive me. Instead of waiting another year to post, I’ve decided to just keep posting on into March until I can catch up again… which will be never because I’m always thinking of things to say or share with you.

I hesitate to post this.

It’s simply because knowledge is power. Information can be used for good and that’s the reason I wanted to share this with you. However, I hesitated because I know this information I’m about to share can also cause someone reading this to use it for their own selfish pleasures.  It’s powerful in helping salvage a couple’s relationship. I’ve tested it over the years and so far, it’s been fail-proof. As I’ve said before, a healthy sexual relationship, I believe, can bring about world peace.  And I say this with a straight face.

Peace begins with us.

If we improve our lives at home, we’re happier and healthier and that leads to a better planet for everyone.  I think America has a long way to go.

I’ve studied astrology for more than 25 years. It’s a “tool” that’s been around for more than 4,000 years. It’s still prominent in some cultures around the world but in the U.S., it’s considered a pseudo- or quasi-toy of some sort. Just like most things, there’s a perverted or twisted version of the truth. In the U.S. it’s called “horoscope” which is much different than true astrology.  There’s so much information that can be told in astrology about a person, it’s impossible for me to post everything – it’s also “person-specific” which means the information I post is about me, making me vulnerable and, admittedly, uncomfortable. I’m trying to get over that.  It’s been almost 3 years that I started this website and I always remind myself why I began so I can always end with the same purpose after each post.

Begin with the end in mind.

As far as astrology is concerned, if you don’t believe me, I challenge you to do a little research on your own with the links and videos I’ve posted so far to help discover more about yourself.  After all, that’s the reason this site is here:  to help others.

Okay.  Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s what this “Sexy Moon” is all about… If you know what sign your lover’s moon is in, you can reach the highest of highs when it comes to love and sex.  If not, you will at least understand why. Some couples aren’t compatible and it has more to do with the element your moon signs are in than physical characteristics.

There are astrologers who will disagree about what causes an attraction between two people.  There’s a lot more to it, but the moon has a vital role in the science of chemistry between a couple.  The moon represents our emotions as humans. And what’s more emotional than sharing an intimate part of yourself with your lover?

The link to the video I’m posting has a flaw in my opinion. I want to clarify that it’s Venus that attracts you to another person. Mars is the physical energy or stamina you are blessed with. They only play a small part in the overall chemistry between two people.  If you’re attracted to the same type of people over and over again and later fall out of love with that type of person, get thee to a reputable astrologer quickly!  Your attraction is not the same as your compatibility and the wires are getting mixed up.  And because you’re reading my website you’re now wiser.

By posting this, I realize I’m exposing myself but I decided to go ahead and share this information because if I had a significant other, I’d want him to know this. I’d also want to know what turns him on.  Knowing what zodiac sign your moons are in can immediately tell you if the two of you are even compatible. 

Someone might be physically attractive but looks only go so far. 

For most people, it’s a “meeting of the minds” that will predict the longevity of an intimate relationship.  The moon is where your mind gets its emotional energy from.  It’s long been considered the “goddess of love” – Selene or Diana - in mythology.  I can’t explain how the energy works, I just know it does. The only thing I can say is that ancient cultures had nothing better to do “back then” than study the stars and planets and seasons all around them.  They were experts on the subject. Astronomy and Astrology were once one-in-the-same.  I believe organized religion caused the separation but that’s a topic for another day.  Maybe over a cup of coffee?

So, now that you better understand the role the moon plays in romance and love, you’ll better understand how it’s also tied to sex. There are “natural laws” that govern the universe and humans are no exception to these rules. We are all tied together with an invisible thread. What we do to one end of that thread ripples out to other threads.  That’s the only way I can explain the connection.

Without going into a complete lesson on astrology, I will just tell you that if you find out what your moon sign is by going here (It’s free. It’s also different than your Sun or Rising sign) [ Moon Sign ] and then find out what your lover’s moon sign is, you can easily find out what turns them on and share with them what turns you on. 

It opens up a channel of communication.

Someone has already taken the time to post in Utube (Yes, I know I spelled that different) what each zodiac sign means. They’ve done the work for you.  If you search in the suggested videos under Utube, you can find the video for the other zodiac signs.  I could have posted them here but I decided it might be good for you to do some exploration on your own. You might learn something!  If you’re really in a hurry, search “Sex with [the name of the zodiac sign]” in Utube and it should narrow the list down for you. Just make sure the woman looks the same. I can’t attest to anyone else posting random shit on Utube. Just like with anything else, there’s a lot of shit out there. “Buyer Beware!”

Although I didn’t get this posted before Valentine’s Day like I wanted to, it’s never too late to learn something new.  All I ask is that you NOT use it to manipulate or control your sexual partner. I’m a strong believer in karma and I’m positive she will not mess around and she’ll punish you for using it against someone’s will. Besides, it’s more fun when both of you know how to turn each other on! Have Fun!

My moon is in Pisces

To better understand yourself, you must first understand what you’re made of.  I know this may sound strange to some of you but hang in there – I’m sharing information about me so you can learn more about you.

I was born under a Pisces – fish – Moon.  Here’s the emotional, mental clay I’m made of and why I’m a human lie-detector…

And this is why I don’t do drugs…

A little bit more, though the speaker is a little bit hard to understand…

I’m the weird scientist.  Hahaha…  Does this sound like you? It’s a personal ad.

Oh Geez!

A friend called me to tell me I need to clarify what I posted :)  It was after 2AM when I uploaded this to my website last night. So, No.  I’m not “into” cannibalism.  I’m not weird like THAT.  I’m weird in the sense that I’m more interested in the human aspect of it.  The study of anthropology and tribes who practiced it as a means of devouring an enemy’s soul, or of psychology to figure out why an individual in a modern society would be driven to do that to someone else, or the sociology side that causes an acceptance of it among a culture, or a rejection. I’m the kind of scientist who would study it rather than practice it.  As I’ve said before, I seek first to understand.

Forgive me.  I’m feeling very Jane today.

I’ve thought about writing several times on my website but it seems that something keeps getting in the way.  Today, it was the movie “Becoming Jane” that seemed to impede my writing.  Oddly, it’s Jane Austen who’s the writer.  I feel a bit more like the empty paper being written upon.

Yesterday, I saw someone tweeting this…

It is sad that there is no woman I know in my locality who I’d like to go on a date with…

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am getting old and lonely and it is kinda freaking me out a bit…

I never thought for one second my life would turn out with me being still a bachelor at 38

I mean, no one knows what life will throw at one, and how life can take unexpected turns, and quite often in directions totally unfamiliar

I never wanted the life I got. I wanted to be married and working and doing stuff worth while with whatever time I had been given…

…not living in a fucking hostel all on my own with no one to share life with. This is not the life I would have chosen if I had the choice

With that said…

I’ve started a sort of semi-tradition about this time of year.  I call it “semi” because I’ve sort of fallen into it.  I get a bunch of DVDs and play “catch-up” during the holidays… I mean, I gather up a bunch of them and do sort of a ‘movie marathon’ and don’t do much of anything except watch movies I’ve either never seen or ones which I’ve seen before but it’s been a while.

I was looking at the ones I chose this year and noticed that for some reason, I seem to have a craving for psychological thrillers this time.  Scary movies.  I was wondering to myself if there was something strangely wrong with me.  It’s Christmas.  Why am I watching “Psycho,”  “Corpse Bride,” “Paranormal Activity,” “House on Haunted Hill,” Boris Karloff’s “The Body Snatcher,” four Alfred Hitchcock thrillers and… the icing on the scary movie cake… Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining“? ~ None of which I’ve seen.  Being Jane Doe.

Not very Christmasy.

What’s wrong with me?  Maybe there’s nothing wrong. Maybe my subconscious is trying to force me into something society says I must obey this time of year.  To conform.  To be more religious – although I gave up on organized religion several years ago.  To be more Christ-like.  I gave up on being a Christian years ago when I connected the dots and figured out more humans have died in the name of Christianity than for anything else I could think of.  I decided my God didn’t discriminate against gays, lesbians, smokers, drinkers, prostitutes, or those who have tattoos or drink coffee.  In fact, my God is neither masculine nor feminine anymore.  My God is pure energy.  An energy that is within all of us.  My God is not Christian, Muslim, or Jewish.  All of those Gods are man-made.  They’re also all masculine. 

I want nothing to do with it.

Jane Austen lived in a world where men ruled and women were expected to conform.  A world where women married not for love but for money.  And men wonder why women in the world today are still gold-diggers???  I wonder where women learned that from?  (Note: sarcasm.)  In Jane’s world, women weren’t allowed to write or publish anything.  Women were not allowed to be composers like Clara Schumann that I wrote about earlier on this website.  Women were expected to get married and have babies.  They weren’t allowed to voice their opinion or, Heaven forbid, be educated.

Jane never married. 

I was having lunch with my nuclear scientist friend from France last Friday… the day the world was supposed to end, Remember?  It didn’t end, but I do believe there’s a new awakening – a new dawn, so to speak.  A new consciousness and I can feel it.  It’s happened within and I can feel a re-birth all around me.  It’s been going on for about 3-1/2 years now.  She and I were talking about the small town we both live in at the moment and France, half a world away.  She told me women there don’t “normally” have their first baby until they’re 30 years old.  Here, where we live, “girls” (because they are) are expected to be married and having their first baby at the ripe old age of 18.  If you reach 21 and you’re not married, culture in this area (mostly Mormonism) tells you that you’re an old maid.  It’s something I grew up with and believed in whole-heartedly.  It’s also what helped shape my future and the reason I’m no longer Mormon, or religious.  I was lied to.  I’m now just the girl with the blue elephant tattoo, if that tells you anything.  Anything at all.

The train is moving and it can’t be stopped.

When I heard our American President (Obama) give a speech about the massacre of children recently, I heard him say that “God had called the children home.”  I wanted to scream from the highest mountaintop that it wasn’t God who called them ~ It was Adam, with a hail of gunfire that mowed them down like toy soldiers.  It had nothing to do with God.  If anything, God was covering its eyes, unable to see through its tears being shed in the name of freedom.  A freedom that currently allows someone to own guns and use them on other human beings even though that act is against the law.

Where do we draw the line?

The line has been crossed so many times.  The day after the massacre, I started making a list of those I knew who had died from a gunshot.  At the top of that list was Abe Lincoln.  At the bottom of that list was my own stepfather.  My name was almost on that list when I was shot at while trying to pick huckleberries in the woods near my home a couple of years ago.  For some reason, the berries were late by almost a month that season - thanks to “global warming” (aka “climate change” or rather “climate crisis”) and thanks to an early wild turkey hunt coinciding.  It meant that my path and the paths of all those gun-toting game hunters crossed and I felt the breeze of a bullet go by me.  I never saw the hunters but I could hear them and the turkeys in the bushes nearby were just as frightened by them as I was… I was out in the middle of the woods in the mountains, out of cell phone range and had I been hit, I’m sure I would have been abandoned and left to bleed to death.  No one would want to claim a murder, even if it was accidental.

I’ve shot a gun before.

It scared the shit out of me.  I hit my tin-can target.  I didn’t know I could.  I’ve done archery before and I’ve always been a good aim.  It was the power behind the pistol that frightened me.  To know that I could so easily kill something scared me.  To know that my own stepfather was killed with a gun and it changed my life forever.  I’ve been against having guns in the home.  Garage, yes.  House, no.

While all this has been coursing through my brain this last week, I went to get my earring fixed.  It’s a black pearl.  My dog, Kiwi, pulled it off its post while I was wearing it last week.  Because it’s a real pearl, I didn’t want to expose it to chemicals by gluing it back on myself.  I took it to a jeweler I knew who is the husband to a retired co-worker.  He runs a jewelry “shop” out of his home.  As I was talking to him and asking about his grandchildren, he asked me to walk behind the counter so he could show me photos he had of them hanging above the glass display counter and which could only be viewed from where he was standing.

His grandchildren were watching over him while he worked.

As I looked up, there, above the glass counter and right next to the smiling faces of his grandchildren, was a pistol.  It was nailed and hanging there as if it belonged – framed in its own way – ready and loaded to use, if necessary.

It made me think.

I wondered how the shopkeeper’s life would change if guns were banned and our 2nd Amendment right to own guns was taken away from us.  I envisioned a robber coming into the shop, demanding all the jewels and money from my elderly co-worker’s husband.  He would have no way to protect himself.  Police cannot be camped out at his home 24/7.  The vision was too much.  It made me shudder.  Although I’m against guns, I do support the right to own a gun.  I just think it’s gone to extremes.  No one needs a semi-automatic anything.  And no one needs to be getting a gun for a Christmas present.  It’s not a very Christian thing to do, if you ask me.  Of course, we’ve not only lost sight of what it means to be a Christian but also what it means to carry a weapon ~ for self-defense.

The problem is, they’ve both become twisted and perverse.  Killing has become common place ~ in the name of religion and in the name of freedom.

Forgive me.  I’m clearly being Jane. 

A woman.  I’m thinking like a woman.  Not like a man or a Muslim, a Jew, or a Christian for that matter.  I’m thinking like a hu-man with a heart.  A conscience.  A soul.  A destiny.  A purpose.  Something that’s been lost along the way…  a love for humanity.

The song “Once Upon a December” has been echoing through my head lately, along with these words…

“…no one knows what life will throw at one(self), and how life can take unexpected turns, and quite often in directions totally unfamiliar”

This territory I’m treading on is unfamiliar, yet somehow very familiar to me.  It’s as if I’ve written the chapter before – long ago – Once upon a December - the pages are quite worn.  I’m getting tired of reading it and re-reading it in the headlines.  Over and over again… always with the same conclusion…

Someone ends up on a body bag.  And that’s where the scary movies come in, I guess… They’re all murder scenes and the stories may be somewhat unfamiliar since I’ve never actually seen any of them but for some reason, predictably, they all end up with someone in a body bag.

I have to ask myself, as Jane the writer, Is life imitating art or is our art somehow intertwined with our lives?  Our true selves, as humans, plastered across the silver screen and our dark side is finally catching up to us?  Has the caged shadow been following us, chasing us, all along? 

If Lincoln could speak from his grave, would he have the answer to this question?

Maybe he already had the answer for us before he died…

“America will never be destroyed from the outside.
If we falter and lose our freedoms,
it will be because we destroyed ourselves.”
~ Abraham Lincoln

More chilling was this photo I found on Twitter.  If you’ve read my ”Disappearing Act” and my “Shop ’til You Drop“ posts, it may send chills through you as well.  But of course, I’m plainly being Jane and writing about the dots I see.  First it was our right to peaceably assemble and blow the whistle on injustice, then it’s the right to due process in the 5th Amendment, and now the right to own firearms is at risk.  Our freedoms are being slowly eroded away… not to mention the right to privacy and not be under surveillance by those who were put in office to protect our freedoms.  We have now become the target of assassination-on-freedom. 

No worries.

Soon, we can all sit in front of the black noise-making machine in our living rooms and bedrooms while we freely smoke pot and “drop out” – off the radar screen and disappear from the pages of our lives…  Jane says, with a heavy dose of sarcasm.