3-Percent Girl ~ My Life & Thoughts by Lucky Leilani

Nothingness is Somethingness

March 12

There’s so much I want to say but I don’t know if I can say it all in the way that would be understood. Maybe the best way to say it is to just let it speak for itself?

Happy Birthday, Jack!

Here’s Jack Kerouac reading “October in the Railroad Earth” – and you know how much I love trains, Autumn leaves and of course, Earth – dirt. Whatever you want to call it. Beautiful.

Here’s Jack reading his writing on the Steve Allen Show in 1959 “On The Road

And lastly, Russell Brand taking the same journey (literally and figuratively) Jack made in 7 days when he wrote “On The Road” in 3 weeks when he realized he survived the trip. A true trip.

Take the time to read the comments attached to this Utube video and you’ll begin to see what I have seen. Don’t read them until you’ve watched this video all the way to the end. Take notes. You’ll be graded on it when you reach the end of your lifespan.

I’ll share some more of my thoughts on this in probably my next post. For now, I hear a birthday candle whispering my name.

In Lightened

March 11

Kerouac Cake

5. F.I.V.E. – Make a wish!

I’ve been writing on this website for 5 years now. Officially. I never dreamed I’d last 5 days or 5 months. I didn’t know I had it in me. I’ve had moments of inspiration that seemed to hit me out of nowhere. I’ve had moments of despair where nothing would come out – it hid deep within, clawing at the surface but never really having the strength to fight against the fortress of my skin. It remained, poised, on the tip of my tongue. Words were like bubbles over these last 5 years – bursting before they could be captured as they softly floated toward solid ground, or holding in the oxygen like a glass, spherical cage – trapping my words until they melted onto an electronic or paper substance before they vanished into thin air.

Some of my words survived. Some were destroyed. Some were never given legs. Some only had heart-eyes.

It’s Kerouac’s birthday in less than one hour from now. I don’t know if I’ll get this written and posted before then. If he was still alive, he would be 93. I can only imagine what it would be like to be 93. I have a feeling I’d be not much different than I am now. I would certainly be grateful – for being able to enjoy life so long. The world is going to be a very different place when I’m 93. I hope I live long enough to write about it.

Reading back over what I wrote – this makes entry #4,357 – last year when I was celebrating Year 4 – I was thinking about “mental degeneration” and this time, I’m studying it. I have more to share with you but it will take me some time. I’m tempted to post everything I’ve unraveled on a single thread, but it would be unfair. It must be savored in small bytes.

I’ve also been thinking of my Grandmother a lot lately – Mrs. “B”. She would have been 106. To realize that she wasn’t that much older than Kerouac makes me understand Jack more. Makes me appreciate them both for the wisdom they gifted to me. I miss them both. My world is a different place because they were a part of it and because they are no longer in it – except for their words to keep me company when I need them most.

You made your bed. Now you gotta sleep in it.” ~ Mrs. B. (I heard her say these words in my head yesterday, as I repeated them out loud to someone seeking my advice.)

I was making an oatmeal cake the other day too – from a recipe I wrote down when I was 12 years old, while my grandmother was making it in her kitchen. It was her heirloom recipe, handed down from her mother. It was one of my favorites as a child. I’ll share it here with you but not tonight. It’ll have to wait. I haven’t taken the time to save the pictures I took while making it. You’ll have to trust me when I say “It was delicious”. Sometimes, just a bite of my Grandmother’s oatmeal cake makes my world a better – more manageable – place.

As Right As Rain.

For now, I’m just thankful to have survived the exposure to the elements this website has caused to my inner need for privacy. There’s so much of “me” in what I’ve shared here, there’s a part of me that wants to erase it all. Yet, there’s so many of my favorite things here, I cherish this site because I can always go back and enjoy the good things it has to remind me of. In some ways, not much has changed for me over the last 5 years. In some ways, I see patterns repeating. The only thing I know how to do is keep moving forward – keep moving down that path, toward the light in the distance. I hope it leads me home and not head-on with a train in the opposite direction. I’m creating the map, laying the tracks with every moment I continue that forward movement. I can either choose to create or destroy. There’s no other choice. One makes me very happy. The other makes me miserable. One thing I know about myself for sure – I hate wasting precious time. I’d rather keep trying and hope that I’m doing something right than let the clock tick by, worried that I’d be doing something wrong.

Pull Me Down Hard. Drowning in it all.

So, here’s one of my favorite songs that I’ve been playing on repeat – over and over again – in my head…
Matt Nathanson “Come On Get Higher” – Let’s Get Higher Together!

Snake Eyes

March 9

Isolation is a gift.
All the others are a test of your endurance.

I can never get enough of him.
I have to read him right, or my vision begins to blur.

Here’s Bukowski reading “Roll the Dice” in “All The Way

I feel this was more of an autobiography than a poem for him – as I often do with many of his words.
Perhaps he was reminiscing about Edgar?

The Nights Will Flame With Fire. Let it burn.

Let it burn.
Just as Chris McCandless did “Into the Wild” (Article in the NewYorker)


March 5

Adam Ant is still on my mind. I know people who are struggling just as he has/is. They walk that fine line between creative genius and destructive madman.

I’ve talked about “The Black Dog” as a method of overcoming mental health issues on my post last year (2014) called “One. Day.” (Click on LINK to watch video).

Adam mentioned the “Black Dog Campaign” launched in Great Britain last year. The charity he supports to bring help to those who suffer and support to those affected by mental health issues and to raise awareness to those who aren’t is called SANE in the U.K. You can find them on Twitter: @CharitySANE

(Click to Read Fine Print)

@CharitySANE posts some really good videos from people overcoming mental health problems that will help you understand what it’s like to deal with.

Here’s some good stuff from CharitySANE tweets:

“There are artists who transform the sun into a yellow spot,
but there are others who, thanks to their art and intelligence,
transform a yellow spot into the sun.”

~ Pablo Picasso

Here’s a newer song from Adam Ant called Wonderful about how he destroyed the relationship he had with his girlfriend.

And here’s a video created with the lyrics to Adam’s “Wonderful” song that I think is worth sharing.

I Want

March 3

I was going through some old stuff online that I needed to clean up – outdated websites I no longer use. Some won’t let me delete my account profile – and I discovered one that created a pseudo “me” as one of my followers, with my unique mermaid avatar-and-all !!! (Ahem, Formspring-dot-me) It felt a little bit like I was Spring Cleaning.

Is it Spring yet?!?!

This is sort of a random post since I’ve already written one that will post the day after tomorrow. I decided to insert this in here anyway because I’m still working on my New Year’s Resolution :)

Maybe wishes do come true? I’ve been waiting a long time for this one!

This is something I posted on a website called “ShoutOMatic” from 4 years and 1 month ago (February 2011) – It was in response to someone asking me verbal questions online and to name a wish… (just click on the “play” button below to hear what my answer was) – and change it to “tall, dark-haired, and handsome” and “cave diving” which is what I meant to say but ShoutOMatic only gives you a few seconds to respond. It was a spur-of-the-moment reply, yet it captured my true “want” :)

If you want to hear my response to the “God-granting-wishes” Shout of mine, you can click on THIS LINK. And then click on the “play button” to listen. I had so much fun, I really should do it again – Maybe you can ask me questions on ShoutOMatic and send them to me in Twitter and I’ll respond? That would be fun!

Sea and Sky = Me

Mobile Users: Tap to Hear the Audio (Shout)

Here’s an amazing and stunningly beautiful video of real, underwater cave exploring that I absolutely love!

The eve of Adam

March 1

Adam as "Prince Charming"

Searching for Solomon caused several musicians from the 80s to surface in my Utube “recommends”. A lot of bands I haven’t heard in a while and some I play on my iPod almost every day at work.

One of these musicians I haven’t heard in a while who surfaced was Adam Ant.

Warrior Adam - The Picture on my Friend's Pillow

A friend of mine from Jr. High had a Huge crush on Adam. She had posters of him all over the walls and ceiling in her bedroom and a pillow and t-shirt with his picture on them. I had never heard of him until she mentioned him to me. It wasn’t until I heard his song “Goody Two Shoes” that I really understood what the attraction was all about. Adam was cute but as a teenage girl, I was suspicious of his makeup. Was he trying to copycat David Bowie (This link makes me wish I was near Chicago so I could’ve seen the exhibit!) or BoyGeorge? – Two musicians I was more acquainted with at the time.

Actually, if I must confess, I never really got “into” Bowie. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been a makeup glamour-freak or fashionista? The ash-white-too-thin-British-teeth-Duke never turned me on with his lyrics. I could, however, play BoyGeorge songs day-in and day-out. Never getting tired of George’s brilliant musical lyrics and crazy music videos.

Adam was almost too bubblegum sweet for me.

And when I was at a dance in High School, the guy I wrote about in “Behind Bars” stuck his tongue in the bottom of the “V” his first and middle finger made with his hand and licked it while looking at me as this song played. Even without saying a word, I completely understood what just happened and forevermore I would be offended by this song because I was the Miss “Goody Two Shoes” this song was so much about. I refused to be one. I even tried dying my hair for a while. And I learned to appreciate Adam for the sex God that he was. Of course, my friend had first dibs on him should he ever get off his throne and land in SmallTown, Idaho by some form of miracle that awaited us.

While searching for Solomon, I decided to watch an online documentary about Adam. I want to share two of them with you. I can now say, I think I like his more recent work – the same way I appreciate George Michael’s “more mature” music from his “Older” CD. It’s beautiful.

Although I wasn’t aware of Adam suffering from manic-depressive disorder, I wasn’t surprised by its revelation in the second video interview. I’m beginning to wonder if those who are creative and have perfectionist tendencies are simply a product of what society calls a “mental disorder” but which is in fact a coping mechanism from the combination of the two. A brain can get fixated on something and refuse to let it go until the puzzle is solved or the masterpiece, however simple it may be, is complete. A fixation. Or, could it be that the mental condition forces someone to fixate on a creation, to the extent of perfection, until it’s “satisfactory” in their minds – whether it’s through an extended period of time or from running out of materials in which to use to make their creation? I’m thinking out loud.

Isolation is a common result of creation. Whether someone has the ability to be completely aware of time and space around them is based on the degree to which they are consumed by the creative process. Some lose all sense of time and hunger – working for days without sleep or food. It’s a drive – an urge – to create or discover. Not all creative processes are accompanied by emotional outbursts. When someone lets anger consume them, it can lead to self-harm or to endangering others. It’s the awareness of a mental “illness” that makes life more livable. Adam is a creative genius – making each one of his early music videos “mini theatrical performances” and was even consulted by Michael Jackson, a fellow perfectionist and musical genius, at one point in their careers (Adam talks about it in one of the videos).

Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction.” ~ Pablo Picasso

This leads me to ask, What is genius?

Some people can be smart but not necessarily a genius. Some are a genius when it comes to certain subjects but know nothing about anything else. Does this discredit them as a genius? Does a genius need to know everything about everything? It’s impossible. So what is a genius? I think it’s in the eye of the beholder. A genius could simply be someone who looks at the world through a lens that allows them to see things differently – they create in a way no one else has. They solve problems in a way no one else has either thought or heard of before. They also can be labeled as “mentally ill” by society. Most are consumed by their creativity and shut out the world – not making time for others because they’re too busy creating. Ironically, a creation that will eventually be enjoyed or used by others – the same people they excluded during the creation process. There are so many geniuses among us no one has ever heard of. They die quietly at home or on the streets each and every day. We are lucky to have been showered by gifts of creation from those who fought against the darkness that almost swallowed them in order to bring their creations to life.

Silence can silence a genius forever.

Watching the videos will help you understand the creative and destructive process of mental illness as it relates to someone with bipolar disorder. It’s also interesting to note that Adam spells his stage name with the “D” backwards, creating the word “Mad” in his first name.

Here’s Adam Ant in a documentary (1:23 hr) “Stand and Deliver

The second video (49 mins) – an interview “The Madness of Prince Charming

Here’s a bonus of Adam performing “What’s Going On” to Fritz Lang’s silent filmMetropolis” (Link to movie on Utube: Metropolis )


February 28

My Book. My Bookmark - Bought Long Before The Book!

Reminds me of my favorite quote:

Only when it’s dark enough can we see the stars” ~ MLKjr.

The 50 Shades book hints at one of the main characters, Christian Grey, as being “very dark”. It’s made me think about the darkness lately. I’ve been encountering it in a lot of my reading or visual research or daily life lately. I know from personal experience, it sometimes has to get pretty dark in order for us to see the light and the possibilities in the Heavens. We have to, first, look upward. If we never look up, we’ll get swallowed up by the darkness around us.

Because of personal experience or just the fact that I can easily connect to people on an inner level, I can see when darkness has swallowed up someone’s soul. It’s as if all the light has left their eyes when I look into them. Recently, I witnessed this which caused me to post the following…

The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~ Rumi

I finished the “50 Shades of Grey” book a few days after Valentine’s Day. My goal was to finish it before I went to see the movie on Valentine’s Day with a friend. I had the flu all that week prior to the big day, so I didn’t get it done.

I’ve had several people, and friends, tell me reading the book reminded them of me.

I was a bit shocked to see how much of “me” was in the book – and to read the author mention “Idaho Falls” (the town I currently live in) on page 33 of the book. If I could prove it, I’d swear the author was reading my tweets from early 2010 to 2011 when the book was published. There were just too many “coincidences”. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it even though the editing of the book sucked and I found myself saying “ass” every time I read the word “behind“. And the British slang drove me mad since the book was based on a character who lives in SEATTLE, USA – and isn’t British! For Pete’s Sake! (Not “pity’s sake”!!!) If you’re going to write a book, at least do some RESEARCH!

No need for a spoonful of sugar.

You’re the author of this nightmare.

So… If I’m the “early” Anastasia – I wonder, Who’s my “early Christian”? That orphan I’ve been searching for.

Here’s a favorite of mine – Kate Havnevik “Emperor of Nowhere” – I LOVE the creative “black and white-ness” of this video…


February 25

I was craving some Solomon. I came across this. It’s sprinkled with wisdom and some pretty amazing legends.


Solomon Burke “None of Us are Free


February 24

I love this and wanted to share…

Sandra Googles Herself

I <3 U

February 23

I Feel.
Therefore I am

Turn Off the Lights.
Get Lost in Love.

Sarah Mclachlan “I Love You

« Older Entries

Me on my 10th birthday ~ A very sad day

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

~ Lao-tzu, Chinese philosopher (604 BC – 531 BC)

Knowing that I am about to take a journey of a thousand miles doesn’t make writing this any easier. I am about to share with you things I haven’t made public until now. I have only talked about these things with a few people I have allowed to get close enough to me over the years. I have a lot of friends but I didn’t make really good, true friends until I was much older. Growing up, life was very difficult for me. I was subjected to abuse, neglect, and things no child should have to suffer through.

I am number 7 of 8 children. Only 7 survived; 6 girls and 1 boy. They are all my half-siblings and I have another brother from a step-mother on my dad’s side. My real dad died in a car accident when I was 6 but my parents had divorced long before that. Practically from the moment I was born, my life has been a living miracle. I was raised by my grandmother, “Mrs. B” as everyone called her, for most of my life. It was the time spent with my mother that can fill the pages of a novel and which has brought me to this site, to share my life with all of you reading this.

I have often been told by those who know me and hear my story that I should write a book about my life. I have kept a journal for 31 years and consider it my therapy and believe it’s one of the reasons I have been able to deal with the demons in my past as well as I have. I guess, in a way, by writing about my experiences here, I am finally writing that book. And I am willing to share with you a lot of the things that happened but what I am not willing to share are the specific methods used to torture me as a child since I vowed to myself long ago that I would never disclose that information. I don’t want anyone reading my words to get any ideas on how to torture a child without leaving a mark.

It’s an epidemic in our society ~ One that I believe has gotten much worse since I endured it. Even though I managed to live through all of it, I have often wondered how I managed to turn out so different than my siblings ~ That one in eight ~ who went on to break the cycle of abuse, thrive, live a healthy life, and arrive at a place where I can talk about it with all of you. How is it possible that I didn’t turn out to be a criminal or an abuser? How is it possible that I have managed to be “normal” when my mother and siblings aren’t? How is it possible that I was able to move on and not dwell on what happened? How is it possible for me to talk about it now? And above all, why am I so happy?

I was told by my grandmother (my mother’s mother, Mrs. B.) that I was barely three months old when she and her husband, my grandpa Warren, drove from Idaho to an orphanage in California “to get me” and my siblings. She said they waited and waited for what seemed like hours “for the women to bring me out”. She said she didn’t think they were going to let her have me – that I had already been adopted out and they were too late – until finally one of the women brought me to my grandmother and explained that they couldn’t find any clothes for me to wear and that was the reason for the delay. To hear that I was laying in a crib naked, at three months old, somewhere in an orphanage in California, makes me shudder to this day. Of course, I was too young to remember that.

What I do remember is how happy I was while living with Mrs. B. ~ a “brown-purse-carrying-woman” who only “graduated” from the 8th grade (Girls weren’t encouraged to go beyond that grade in school during the time period she grew up in).  Undeterred by this, she managed to own her own restaurant during one time in her life. She was an amazing woman who lived to be 88 years old and whose words still echo inside my head every now and then when I am searching for wisdom ~ some of the pearls I will be sharing with you.

I’ve always felt like I was lucky and blessed throughout my life. I just didn’t realize how lucky I was until I heard Country Music Singer, Jimmy Wayne, say that only three-percent of kids who are exposed to abuse and neglect grow up to “survive and thrive” (as I call it), becoming productive members of our society ~ I didn’t realize I was a “Three-Percent Girl” until February 5, 2010. I still cannot get the words out of my head. It has taken me a month to overcome the tears and sadness and overwhelming shock I felt when I realized I was only one of THREE-percent. Three lucky pennies who have managed to pay back to society what others have lost.

This site will go on to live long after Jimmy has finished his walk from Nashville, TN, to Phoenix, AZ. I am going to be sharing with you not just what happened to me as a child, but also talk about my mentor, Fred, who is a HUGE reason I believe I survived and became such a well-rounded individual and I will be giving him an opportunity to write, in his own words, what it was like to be a mentor to me and how that happened. I am going to share with you my thoughts as I look at the world through the eyes of a three-percent girl, including articles, statistics, resources, experiences I’ve had in the past, such as volunteer work I’ve done, as well as since Jimmy has begun his Project Meet Me Halfway campaign and the sister site, ProjectMMH.org began. I’ll be sharing some of the fun things I do every day, including some of my recipes, pictures, and ideas. And of course, some good laughs (because those of you who know me from Twitter, know I can hardly keep a straight virtual face!) and since I’m an environmental scientist, I will be talking about the environment ~ which, surprisingly, ties in very neatly with the problems we are having in our world today with teen homelessness and the mission that brought Jimmy and I together, on the same path, where our two worlds collided and helped you and I meet on Twitter (something I knew nothing about until 2 months ago!).

I am new to blogging as well, so forgive me if it takes a little while for me to figure it out – I’ve been on a crash course for a few days now. I also encourage you to post a comment – which, I believe, will be hidden until I can decide how to best manage them – if you have questions. I will be happy to answer them or find the answers for you and post them in upcoming blogs. I hope this will be a two-way channel of communication since I truly believe the only way we can change the epidemic is through education and communication.

This website is a view into my world as a 3-percent Girl ~ A way of sharing with others my past, my present, my thoughts, my questions, my answers, and my adventures. It’s my desire that in some small way it may save a life or inspire “hope”.  Therefore, I hope you enjoy the walk with me… into my future

~ Leilani (who considers herself a VERY lucky girl!)

P.S. For those of you who have stumbled upon my page and want to learn more, click on the hyperlinks I’ve provided in my pages and they will guide you to more resources. Just click the back arrow on your web browser to return to my site. Don’t forget to bookmark my page too! Thanks for visiting and I hope we can one day share a cup of coffee, some good laughs, and a great conversation, face-to-face.

Hope is a waking dream” ~ Aristotle

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